Facing a cancer diagnosis is challenging for any couple. The stress of navigating a whole new world of medical appointments and a life that can feel highjacked by all that cancer requires is a lot for anyone. Then when you add to that the worries and fears about what the future may hold there is a lot of pressure on couples to adapt quickly to a “new normal”. The challenge is only compounded by what I call “The Myth of the Perfect Caregiver”.
The Myth of the Perfect Caregiver can be explained, in part by what Walser and Westrup (2009), refer to as the “story” that society gives us for what a good relationship should look like. They explain that society tells us: “A good relationship is a happy relationship. And a happy relationship is one in which you feel happy, your partner feels happy, your family is happy about your happiness, and even the dog is happy!” This “story” shows up not only in romantic relationships but often applies to other familial relationships and close friendships as well. We are told that the measure of any good relationship is how happy we feel while we are in it.
This is a very hard way to measure relationships especially when faced with a major health stressor. Often the difficulties of addressing a cancer diagnosis its treatment leaves both parties in a relationship feeling the tension and anxiety of traversing this new path. The idea of being happy all of the time is an unrealistic expectation in day-to-day life, but it is even more so when under this kind of pressure. So instead of focusing on being or having the perfect caregiver it can be much more helpful to think about how to be the “Good Enough Caregiver.”
The idea of the “Good Enough Caregiver” is taken from psychological research by Donald Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst, who coined the phrase “the good enough mother.” His work teaches us that rather than being the all-knowing and perfect caregiver that can anticipate everything, the “Good Enough Caregiver” keeps trying despite ongoing trials and challenges and continues to work on learning. In order to achieve being the “Good Enough Caregiver” one can focus on being a curious observer that is willing to adapt and pivot based on experience.
One suggestion I often give to couples is to make learning and checking-in part of the weekly planning. The discussion can start with a question as simple as, “What do we want to focus on this week?” Or “What do you need from me this week?” When these discussions happen regularly they are often not as pointed or filled with stored up resentment, which turns them in to a productive and helpful way to support one another. The strategy is to agree on some times to check-in and course correct when needed.
It is important to remember that we cannot go back and undo something that has happened. This means that you can’t erase hurt feelings once they have been felt. So, despite your best efforts to forget that you felt sadness when you broke up with your first love or that you were hurt when your partner forgot an anniversary, it is impossible to do so. What we can do, rather than trying to simply ignore what isn’t working, is to communicate openly and with compassion.
The first step to fostering compassion is by maintaining an assumption of good intent. This means that we can focus on assuming our partners are doing the best they can and they do the same for us. We can then focus discussions on ways of working together to try to make things better when they do go wrong. It is much easier to stay focused on ways to adjust our actions and those of others when we come to the table assuming and focusing on the idea that everyone wants the relationship to go well. It can be hard to focus on good intent when we are hurt but it can change our approach to difficult conversations dramatically when we do so.
Many people will tell you that healthy relationships take work and that it because strong relationships are built on the premise that we are not always going to make one another happy in a relationship. In fact, Walser and Westrup (2009) go on to say that, “Good relationships aren’t about being happy. They’re about vitality and about manifesting life to its fullest within the relationship.” So what does this mean? It means that you and your partner will feel the happy feelings such as joy, pleasure and love as well as pain, sadness, anger, fear, anxiety and more. This also means that in order to be in a successful relationship, we need to be willing to work with our partners as we we travel the myriad of human emotions that a cancer diagnosis (or life in general) will inevitably bring up.
The most important take away is that being in a relationship means experiencing ups and downs and the challenge of a cancer diagnosis only highlights these peaks and valleys. The goal is not to beat yourself (or your partner) up because you may be struggling to figure out how to navigate these stressful waters. Simply start by thinking about whether this is the person that you want to be with in both the good moments and the hard ones and try to make room for each of you to be the “Good Enough” version of yourselves. Then, focus on being mindful by noticing how to improve communication and increase your empathy and compassion for yourself and your partner as you work together to face this difficult time as the best team you can be in the moment.
REFERENCES
Walser, R. D. & Westrup, D. (2009). The Mindful Couple: how acceptance and mindfulness can lead to the love you want. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Dr. Davidson is a health psychologist, in Los Angeles, whose practice focuses on support for those with a range of medical illness. Her specialization in cancer allows her to help patients adjust to their diagnosis, cope with treatment, and transition back to work and family responsibilities after treatment has finished. Dr. Davidson has assisted patients in finding new ways to achieve a greater sense of wellness as they adjust to a "new normal". Her focus is on helping patients improve and maintain the quality of their lives regardless of illness trajectory.
CA License 24540
AZ License 005506